31:26
take a deep breath
26. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
I am the queen of putting my foot in my mouth. I frequently have to stop myself mid-sentence to apologize, reorient my thoughts, and attempt once more to articulate what I’m trying to convey. This clearly indicates that I need to put more thought into what I say before I say it (something I think we all should be more mindful of, particularly us Christians), but for me it also means that what makes sense in my mind doesn’t always translate well into words, at least spoken word.
I did not grow up in the church, so many of the lessons that small children are taught in Sunday school or at VBS or in youth group are lost on me. I could not tell you the name of a single character on Veggie Tails, and I still struggle to remember the lyrics to Oceans no matter how often my local Christian radio station plays it. I grew up in an environment that was not embracing of the idea of Christian youth, so I was the young woman who cursed loudly, spoken brashly, and didn’t care much who I offended or why. As an adult, this has been an immense challenge to overcome.
The Proverbs 31 woman isn’t the kind of woman who drops her keys and within an instant drops an f-bomb. She is not the kind of woman who raises her voice with words of insult when someone is rude to her. She is not a woman who responds to rudeness with put-downs. When I thought about verse 26, I realized that despite using bad language infrequently, that isn’t befitting of the woman I want to be. But I knew that a swear jar wasn’t a practical approach for me, nor were word substitutions. So I approached this verse with what now feels like a very lazy technique: I said nothing.
I am a talker. I have always prided myself on being a good conversationalist and keeping people interested. To suddenly stay mute when I bumped my head, when someone cut me off in traffic, or when someone said or did something outright rude to me was a struggle. To some this may seem silly, but when you’re convicted you have to listen to the Lord, which is why I started this blog to begin with. But I learned something very interesting about silence, which made me understand my introverted friends a bit more: when you talk less, you notice more. I noticed something mortifying- so troubling that I felt a jolt in my stomach whenever I realized it. Many people around me were saying things I have said, but I now noticed how annoying or bothersome they were. Have they always been this rude and inconsiderate? Who do they think they are? Why can’t they talk about something else?
I am a sinner. God’s grace redeems me, despite not deserving forgiveness. So when I heard what the people around me were saying, I had to pause and reevaluate the words coming out of my mouth in a way I never had before. This past month's approach to scripture has been very enlightening, but more than that it has been incredibly humbling. I truly needed to be humbled; what kind of woman am I if I can’t speak thoughtfully, carefully, and with the intention of blessing others with my words? If my default is not kindness, how am I honoring the gospel, how am I following the command to love?
Today someone cut me in line while I was waiting to fill up my gas tank. I threw my hands up in the air in frustration and questioned out loud this individual’s ability to safely operate a motor vehicle, and whether or not they had any instruction prior to passing their driving test. After that gross exclamation, I stopped myself. This person couldn’t hear me. Even if they could, would that resolve anything? Absolutely not. I felt shame in that moment- shame because how does speaking negatively of the person who has wronged me rectify the situation? Short answer: it doesn’t. Earlier in the day someone had been dishonest to me about something trivial and I heard myself questioning what kind of person would do something like that… Then I heard myself say, “I hope and pray that they are able to get through whatever they are going through quickly,” and I meant it. I didn’t want anyone else to feel the way I did in that moment, and I knew that whatever caused their dishonesty had nothing to do with me.
I’m not certain when or if I will ever open my mouth with wisdom per se, but that thought felt so solid in my mind. I want them to get through this. I am going to continue to struggle to mind my tongue, but to have had that thought is already lightyears ahead of the start of July. Embodying this Proverbs 31 woman is a challenge, every line of it. The progress I have made is admirable, though I know I have room for growth. I pray to continue to open my mouth with wisdom, or simply to close it when I am unwise. I pray that kindness permeates from Holy Spirit within me.
Amen.