The Lies he Tells
It’s all a wash.
“… in the waiting, in the searching, in the healing and the hurting; like a blessing buried in the broken pieces.”
-There Was Jesus by Zach Williams
It has been several long, long months since I sat down to write here on The Virtuous Voyage.
The hiatus was not intentional. After Advent ended in December, I remember thinking how excited I was to devote more of my time to writing, to evangelizing, and to sharing my journey. That time was so sacred and lovely, I was ambitious and ready to pursue this blog with more enthusiasm.
And then, Satan. The Enemy. The Devil. Call him what you will, but he is real and at work, and boyyyy did he work in my life. I think it can be easy for believers to dismiss the devil because we know how much greater God is by comparison. However, Satan’s wickedness does not disappear simply because God is awesome. In Matthew 4 when the devil tempted Jesus, Christ didn’t tell him that he was a figment of his imagination, or not really there. Jesus spoke plainly to the devil:
10. Then Jesus said to him, “Be gone, Satan! For it is written, ‘You shall worship the Lord your God and him only shall you serve.’'“ Then the devil left him, and behold, angels came and were ministering to him.
-Matthew 4:10
I had heard the term spiritual warfare, but I had honestly dismissed it as an extremist concept up until a few weeks ago. I thought it was a fear-mongering tactic for Christians to scare unbelievers into faith, which is an approach I do not believe is most effective. I say this with the utmost humility: I could not have been more naïve and stupid. When I look back on it, I know the devil saw how my faith was developing and he knew that would be the perfect time to try to discourage me.
If you are seasoned in your faith, you’ve likely heard pastors preaching on YouTube or Instagram or TikTok about how the devil knows you are saved, so the only way he can get to you is by discouraging you. Well, my discouragement began shortly after the start of the new year. I ended a relationship rather suddenly. It was time for me to move on, but it was painful- exceptionally painful. I spent days at a time just going through the motions, not registering anything and moving through my days in a kind of daze. During that time, the devil whispered lies to me incessantly. I don’t mean that I heard a voice, not at all. I would be going along with my day and an evil thought would suddenly pop into my mind: you realize there’s no way anyone will ever want to marry you now, right? You know that you’re too old for most men to consider you. You know you aren’t pretty or smart enough to keep a house or marry a godly man. These thoughts were constant, leaving me shaking, crying, and overcome with worry. I’d miss him, the man I loved. I’d think about taking him back, knowing that we were not a match and that I would be doing us both a disservice.
About a week after the breakup, I found a mass on my thyroid. I was petrified. And the devil sensed my fear, and he attacked me with thoughts of “this is God punishing you for your sins,” “you know this wouldn’t have happened if you had taken better care of yourself,” “you’re going to die!” I immediately called my doctor and scheduled the necessary appointments. Shortly after I found the mass, an immediate family member suffered a profound medical emergency. My brain shifted into caregiver mode, in between trying to balance my own health and working full time. Another family medical emergency cropped up towards the end of the month, and with it brought arguments between family members, and the realization that I needed to make some seriously difficult life choices. On Valentine’s Day while I was sitting at my desk at work when my heart rate spiked. I was nauseous, dizzy, clammy, and felt overcome with worry. I left work and went home early, and eventually my heart rate settled, but it never went back to my previous resting rate. After days of an elevated heart rate, I called my doctor again and had a series of tests done. I had to wear a heart monitor for a week, which was a sticky and uncomfortable mess.
I tried not to let my circumstances make the best of me, and I booked a ticket to visit a friend out of state. I drove the several hours in traffic towards the airport, and found out along the way that my flight had been cancelled. I went home and sobbed, feeling powerless and exhausted. Haven’t I suffered enough? and Why me? were thoughts that frequently circulated through my mind. I tried reaching out to friends and loved ones, wanting someone to talk to about my issues just to have some support. I did not find much.
I felt so alone. I felt like the entire world was on my shoulders, and that I was doing an absolutely terrible job of keeping myself going. I didn’t want to throw myself a pity party, but I felt pitiful. How is it that next to nothing is going right in my life? I just want things to get better, I just want to be happy. I don’t want to be held back from fun or enjoyment because of my health, or because of my mindset. I wasn’t depressed, but I was SO down. I felt like I was getting whiplash from the onslaught of crud that was being hurled at me. Of course, because of how busy I was dealing with my mess, I severely neglected spending time in the Word.
I started taking a class at church, and after the class I approached my pastor and cried to him about the difficulties I was experiencing. I told him what a hard time I was having, and how everything seemed to be happening all at once. He looked at me and said, “April, I’m sorry. You know this isn’t normal, right?” My response was, “Yes, I know the devil is real and spiritual warfare is as well.” I hadn’t thought when I spoke! I was dismissive of spiritual warfare because I thought it was silly. But as soon as he said “normal,” it hit me: my situation is NOT normal. We prayed and I left church.
As I parked my car at home, I suddenly felt something stirring within me. I closed my eyes and knew that I needed to speak, not to God, but to the devil. I rebuked him. I sat in my car, and spoke aloud to the devil tormenting me. The voice that came from my mouth was not my own, because the Holy Spirit was moving in me. I told him that I am covered under the blood of Jesus Christ who died on the cross for my sins. I told him that I am worthy and deserving of love, of lasting relationships, of health! And that while I could never earn God’s love, He offers grace to me. I told the devil that he has no power over me, my loved ones, my body, NOTHING. I had never had such a profound spiritual experience! In hindsight, I wish I had recorded myself because I don’t remember everything the Holy Spirit said through me- it was so powerful, more than anything I could’ve said of my own accord.
I went back inside my house, and for the first time in months, I felt PEACE. True peace. Like nothing was coming for me, like I wasn’t shackled to pain and despair. I opened my Bible, and in a matter of days I finished reading Exodus and Leviticus, something I had been trying (and by trying, I mean not really at all!) to do for some time. I felt made new! I played the same song over and over again, singing it out in worship no matter where I was- the car, the shower, my room, out on a walk, etc. It’s a Tasha Layton song called Into the Sea (It’s Gonna Be Ok):
“Though the mountains may be moved into the sea, though the ground beneath might crumble and give way, I can hear my Father singing over me, ‘It’s gonna be ok.’”
The fear, particularly of my health declining, started to dwindle after that night. It was no surprise when my follow up appointments confirmed my test results were unremarkable.
I’m a big believer in seeing the blessing in the lesson, and appreciating the lesson however hard it hit me. I know that the devil didn’t cause the bad things to happen in my life, because sometimes bad things just happen and there is absolutely no good reason for it. But I SAW Satan at work in my life, trying to make me feel like I was not a child of the Most High King. So in my suffering, in my pain, in the midst of my groaning, I know that God is with me. I know that He is more powerful than me, and certainly more powerful than Satan. His grace is more than enough.
I’m doing and feeling a lot better than I was last month. I finally feel like I’m breaking free of the constant battle that had been raging within me. This isn’t to say that I’m not still working on it- I am in the midst of several very big (but very good) life changes that will have significant personal impact. But the fear of the next step, the next move, the next moment- it’s gone.
I want to speak a word of encouragement to anyone reading this right now: if you are in a relentless season where not a single thing is going right… you need to let it go. Give that pain, that suffering, that misery and defeat up to God. You were never meant to carry this all on your own. If Satan is actively working in your life, rebuke him openly and proudly. You are a child of the Most High King, and the enemy only has power over you if you let him. You will make it through this! So tell the devil exactly where to go, then look up to He who created you.
Amen!